Family,
In the last seven calendar days since we broke bread, I began feeling anxious about blogging and a bunch of other stuff. My last blog was well received by the blogging posse with which I roll. I worried that whatever I wrote this week would not measure up to my measurable evolution from last week. I still don't know, but I can as a book title I saw and maybe read said...."Feel the fear and do it anyway..."
I actually hate confrontation...of any kind. When we hear the word, we often envision some dreaded friend, family member, enemy or colleague we have to set straight (assuming we are on solidly on the side of right).
I am however beginning to realize that 98% of life is confrontation. Everything is pretty scary until you actually do it again and again and again and again....Confrontation comes in the form of new jobs, new schools, new relationships and a multitude of other things that there isn't a enough space here to begin to address.
Confrontation is still however people, places and things I dread that simply cannot be avoided....forever. My status on facebook read about a week ago, "Why is the inevitable so inevitable?" On the day that I wrote that, I was confronting the MA in Education situation by researching a Universtiy's program. By the way it was a University that I was avoiding and thought that I could circumvent attending. The MA in education was also another "avoided" target.
I have spent the last 20 years of my almost 41 years on the planet realizing that what you avoid most is what you are INEVITABLY forced to face. I have read this in books and been subjected to similar quotes, but gosh there is nothing like hitting your head on a brick wall to be certain that the wall is in fact ...hard.
I honestly found the truism myself by ending up in what I call the concentric cycles of life. I have found myself going round and round through the linear progression that is everyday life only to discover the same couple of lessons at the center everytime. I believe I get hung like my favorite scratched CD because the various tracks sound different, but they are in fact all on the same disc. It could also be my unwillingness to see it for what it is when it shows up. Phoebe Snow sang it best "Can the thirsty stay sane?"....uh no
I realized today that if fear, lack, impatience and greed guide my decisions I end up in that concentric cycle. Though unintentional, too many of my decisions are made steeped in those very principles I go to the church house trying to avoid.
Faith is an awesome concept and if I could calm down from the panic of fear; the fear of lack and the greed that sticks to impatience like "white on rice", I would be alright. I just honestly stay a bit panicked. Time is the variable that complicates things for me.....the "live your dream ....the money will come thing" starts to swirl as I watch a crease or two form around the edges of my smile.
Last year, I embraced 40 with very open arms. My mother only lived to be 39, I felt on that birthday and today still feel it an honor to begin facing years she never saw. My 41st birthday is in 16 days and gosh it got here fast !!!! Time just feels like its kicking my ass. I often feel like I am running in place when it comes to trying to accomplish my goals, but I am thinking that its possible I don't know what "it" ("accomplishing my goals") really looks like. (This is that unrecognizable Pinnacle Leslie Williams Boissiere wrote about in her blog "Modern Age Mom" at http://modernagemom.blogspot.com last week.)
I am also committed to certain outcomes even though I know better. As far as outcomes go, I think my job is simply to have the Faith and then keep the Faith.
It all however takes work ...lots of work no matter what the outcomes are. "Getting up the nerve", you know "confronting it" is the hugest part of it. It is critical to step out give it all you have (on that day) and keep it pushing.
I realized that I don't always "get up the nerve" or "muster the courage". Honestly I believe the nerve actually gets me up. What I am all to well acquainted with is the consequence of not "getting up the nerve". Better than suffer those darn consequences that can't be controlled; I would rather just do my level best to face it on my own terms even it means closing my eyes, holding my nose, holding my breath and jumping in the deep end (maybe 6 ft not quite 12 ft).
Tomorrow is a day where I have some dreaded phone calls to make and courageous conversations to have. Confrontation I believe must always be negotiated. So I press with faith, patience and love as my guides along with some hubris and chutzpah tossed in for good measure.
I just know that I am growing and my growth as a mother, filmmaker and educator and that one good nerve are what lead me out of these damn concentric cycles of life.
BTW
There were only 4 baby bird eggs...one hatched and despite some screeching and squawking, she went on to see Jesus on Saturday...
and btw again...
I don't want to mix topics that don't make anything when they come together like say mixing green and brown which make boo boo ....anyway .....I just wanted to add that Q Tip is my new fantasy boyfriend and I recommend HIGHLY getting my boyfriend's CD, The Renaissance ...its FLAWLESS
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
There is a Blog God ....Passion v Profession
Family,
I was trying to post that player in a sidebar not in the body of the blog. "Gigya" said it would be a sidebar, but it wasn't.
I have had lots to share, but not enough focus to sit and share. Time is always a problem, but I am going to change the way i look at it. If I ever do meet mother or father time, we are going to have a talk about why they are soooooooooo unforgiving.
I will say this...
Yesterday when I dropped my son off late for school, the crossing guard who was getting in her car to leave was still around. I talk about her on Facebook because I believe God's Abiding Love rest with her. It is therefore critical for me to see her every day and get the hug and the "I Love You Darlin' " that my beloved mother and grandmothers are no longer here to provide.
Shortly after connecting with her I saw a former student from teaching Adult School at Crenshaw High School. I asked him what he was up to these days. Despite my urgings for him to get it together, he did not demonstrate promise. He is now studying some entry form of Nursing in the Vocational Curriculum of another Adult School. I admonished him to get to college and try 4 year college nursing school. I think greatness is in all of my students and I push, poke and prod them hoping they will rise to the occasion or at least give it some thought...
He knew my name, but I could not remember his. I hate that about teaching and aging. I feel like a Rockstar in the moment because I see students everywhere (grocery store, traffic and Target) and they yell at me and chat me down and I cannot always remember their names. They know mine which is what makes me feel like a rockstar, but after not interacting for a year and despite the love in my heart for these young people I just can't remember all of their names.
The rockstar thing is great because I deal with some profound self worth issues and between running into students and breaking bread with "Mama Crossing Guard" I am lifted just enough to make it to work where I begin dealing with another round of self worth concerns. I believe I hold onto these self worth issues because I am a Swan who has to have a song whether it is blues, jazz or uptempo R&B.
I am a full time teacher who loves instructing mathematics, but have no love for classroom management which sadly is more critical than instruction. That said everyday that I go to work I'd simply rather do something else. I'd rather sell T-Shirts at the corner of Crenshaw and Slauson (or Crenshaw and 57th), because up to and since November 4th it has been big business. I believe I am suffering some post election world don't-have-to-campaign-no-more blues. I am now forced to deal with my own realities, lesson plans and grading papers.
I recently read Shavar Ross' blog about being a Jack of all trades and master of none. It hit so close to home that I still have a black eye. I actually saw this fate coming while I was in college, but felt powerless to stop it. I am blessed for the folks around me who love me, listen, console and admonish me out of LOVE and support for my crafts, but also out of the belief that I will "get it together". (Shout out to Leslie Boissiere)
I am just not sure that I can get it together. Does anybody else have this problem? I have the determination, but the will falls short. I gmail chatted with Shavar about this blog because we both aspire to write, produce and direct films. He however after a life in front of the camera as a wonderful actor Shavar has decided to go back and get his BS or BA.
I have a BS, but would like an MFA or an MA. I am as Leslie knows torn between the life that it takes to raise a son alone, the time, the money and the resources to go to Graduate school. I had taken it off the table, but rolling admissions and the desire to remain gainfully employed at the current establishment have put it back on the table. It has returned because the MA that is tied to Profession impacts the very near future (next school year).
The MFA which is tied to Passion requires one that I get accepted to a desired school. Acceptance requires a competitive GRE score, a competitive undergraduate GPA and a compelling story. I have the compelling story and one out of three did not work with a school I won't name here. I however press. I believe a real GRE prep course and work on the compelling story could would put me on the right track. I am headed for that track.
The tug of war between Passion and Profession rages on. I am sure many deal with it daily. I just find it often renders me fearful and immobile. As I have said I would daily rather be doing something else. Something besides catching up lesson plans and feeling bad for not connecting with the process of inputting grades. I would rather be doing something else than driving over here to work after I drop off my son.
I would rather be writing, reading (books and other blogs), coordinating the event of life, booking guests for my radio show, blogging or updating my status on Facebook, Twitter or Myspace and learning songs on the piano to help my son learn them. I learn them and then challenge him to piano duels to keep him encouraged (I love it because it works).
Responsibility however demands that Profession be my priority so that life goes on. Passion however invigorates my spirit. An invigorated spirit has to be lighter than the burensome spirit I feel like I am doomed to carry until I figure this all out and "get it together".
As a 40 year old "Jane of All Trades" what will I do about this....they say that if there is enough FORCE, there will eventually be movement so I am pushing, praying and doing whatever it takes to keep whatever this is moving. I am also summoning the strong but quiet internal forces of strength, courage, patience and wisdom to be my guides for the external forces that will bring about movement toward the passion of what I believe is my calling....
Profession has Passion on the ropes for now, but stay tuned for Passion's next move...
I was trying to post that player in a sidebar not in the body of the blog. "Gigya" said it would be a sidebar, but it wasn't.
I have had lots to share, but not enough focus to sit and share. Time is always a problem, but I am going to change the way i look at it. If I ever do meet mother or father time, we are going to have a talk about why they are soooooooooo unforgiving.
I will say this...
Yesterday when I dropped my son off late for school, the crossing guard who was getting in her car to leave was still around. I talk about her on Facebook because I believe God's Abiding Love rest with her. It is therefore critical for me to see her every day and get the hug and the "I Love You Darlin' " that my beloved mother and grandmothers are no longer here to provide.
Shortly after connecting with her I saw a former student from teaching Adult School at Crenshaw High School. I asked him what he was up to these days. Despite my urgings for him to get it together, he did not demonstrate promise. He is now studying some entry form of Nursing in the Vocational Curriculum of another Adult School. I admonished him to get to college and try 4 year college nursing school. I think greatness is in all of my students and I push, poke and prod them hoping they will rise to the occasion or at least give it some thought...
He knew my name, but I could not remember his. I hate that about teaching and aging. I feel like a Rockstar in the moment because I see students everywhere (grocery store, traffic and Target) and they yell at me and chat me down and I cannot always remember their names. They know mine which is what makes me feel like a rockstar, but after not interacting for a year and despite the love in my heart for these young people I just can't remember all of their names.
The rockstar thing is great because I deal with some profound self worth issues and between running into students and breaking bread with "Mama Crossing Guard" I am lifted just enough to make it to work where I begin dealing with another round of self worth concerns. I believe I hold onto these self worth issues because I am a Swan who has to have a song whether it is blues, jazz or uptempo R&B.
I am a full time teacher who loves instructing mathematics, but have no love for classroom management which sadly is more critical than instruction. That said everyday that I go to work I'd simply rather do something else. I'd rather sell T-Shirts at the corner of Crenshaw and Slauson (or Crenshaw and 57th), because up to and since November 4th it has been big business. I believe I am suffering some post election world don't-have-to-campaign-no-more blues. I am now forced to deal with my own realities, lesson plans and grading papers.
I recently read Shavar Ross' blog about being a Jack of all trades and master of none. It hit so close to home that I still have a black eye. I actually saw this fate coming while I was in college, but felt powerless to stop it. I am blessed for the folks around me who love me, listen, console and admonish me out of LOVE and support for my crafts, but also out of the belief that I will "get it together". (Shout out to Leslie Boissiere)
I am just not sure that I can get it together. Does anybody else have this problem? I have the determination, but the will falls short. I gmail chatted with Shavar about this blog because we both aspire to write, produce and direct films. He however after a life in front of the camera as a wonderful actor Shavar has decided to go back and get his BS or BA.
I have a BS, but would like an MFA or an MA. I am as Leslie knows torn between the life that it takes to raise a son alone, the time, the money and the resources to go to Graduate school. I had taken it off the table, but rolling admissions and the desire to remain gainfully employed at the current establishment have put it back on the table. It has returned because the MA that is tied to Profession impacts the very near future (next school year).
The MFA which is tied to Passion requires one that I get accepted to a desired school. Acceptance requires a competitive GRE score, a competitive undergraduate GPA and a compelling story. I have the compelling story and one out of three did not work with a school I won't name here. I however press. I believe a real GRE prep course and work on the compelling story could would put me on the right track. I am headed for that track.
The tug of war between Passion and Profession rages on. I am sure many deal with it daily. I just find it often renders me fearful and immobile. As I have said I would daily rather be doing something else. Something besides catching up lesson plans and feeling bad for not connecting with the process of inputting grades. I would rather be doing something else than driving over here to work after I drop off my son.
I would rather be writing, reading (books and other blogs), coordinating the event of life, booking guests for my radio show, blogging or updating my status on Facebook, Twitter or Myspace and learning songs on the piano to help my son learn them. I learn them and then challenge him to piano duels to keep him encouraged (I love it because it works).
Responsibility however demands that Profession be my priority so that life goes on. Passion however invigorates my spirit. An invigorated spirit has to be lighter than the burensome spirit I feel like I am doomed to carry until I figure this all out and "get it together".
As a 40 year old "Jane of All Trades" what will I do about this....they say that if there is enough FORCE, there will eventually be movement so I am pushing, praying and doing whatever it takes to keep whatever this is moving. I am also summoning the strong but quiet internal forces of strength, courage, patience and wisdom to be my guides for the external forces that will bring about movement toward the passion of what I believe is my calling....
Profession has Passion on the ropes for now, but stay tuned for Passion's next move...
BTW
The eggs have not hatched so we don't yet have baby birds. I am tired of taking care of the birds and the turtle. My son got a pass because he was sick during the break, but he's on punishment with no TV (I am really trying to wean him off so much of it) so he will be stepping up the care of his pets.Check out my trades...
www.cafepress.com/
www.cafepress.com/
www.cafepress.com/
www.cafepress.com/
and radio
www.blogtalkradio.com/djdannak
Please Disregard...Bad Blog Day
I wrote the blog....edited the blog and saved the blog ....only to find that I was logged out of Gmail and my changes were not saved....I logged in and re-wrote the blog and took out the humiliating stuff at the bottom and saved several times edited and corrected and reread and published and somehow the draft from 11:20a which is awful is saved instead of the 1:37pm draft ( a re write to one lost an hour earlier at 12:37 which was a correction of the 11:02am blog that won't go away)...please disregard ...I have blown my lunch doing this and now I am starving and have to teach
danna
danna
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