Getting Up The Nerve...

Family,

In the last seven calendar days since we broke bread, I began feeling anxious about blogging and a bunch of other stuff. My last blog was well received by the blogging posse with which I roll. I worried that whatever I wrote this week would not measure up to my measurable evolution from last week. I still don't know, but I can as a book title I saw and maybe read said...."Feel the fear and do it anyway..."

I actually hate confrontation...of any kind. When we hear the word, we often envision some dreaded friend, family member, enemy or colleague we have to set straight (assuming we are on solidly on the side of right).

I am however beginning to realize that 98% of life is confrontation. Everything is pretty scary until you actually do it again and again and again and again....Confrontation comes in the form of new jobs, new schools, new relationships and a multitude of other things that there isn't a enough space here to begin to address.

Confrontation is still however people, places and things I dread that simply cannot be avoided....forever. My status on facebook read about a week ago, "Why is the inevitable so inevitable?" On the day that I wrote that, I was confronting the MA in Education situation by researching a Universtiy's program. By the way it was a University that I was avoiding and thought that I could circumvent attending. The MA in education was also another "avoided" target.

I have spent the last 20 years of my almost 41 years on the planet realizing that what you avoid most is what you are INEVITABLY forced to face. I have read this in books and been subjected to similar quotes, but gosh there is nothing like hitting your head on a brick wall to be certain that the wall is in fact ...hard.

I honestly found the truism myself by ending up in what I call the concentric cycles of life. I have found myself going round and round through the linear progression that is everyday life only to discover the same couple of lessons at the center everytime. I believe I get hung like my favorite scratched CD because the various tracks sound different, but they are in fact all on the same disc. It could also be my unwillingness to see it for what it is when it shows up. Phoebe Snow sang it best "Can the thirsty stay sane?"....uh no

I realized today that if fear, lack, impatience and greed guide my decisions I end up in that concentric cycle. Though unintentional, too many of my decisions are made steeped in those very principles I go to the church house trying to avoid.

Faith is an awesome concept and if I could calm down from the panic of fear; the fear of lack and the greed that sticks to impatience like "white on rice", I would be alright. I just honestly stay a bit panicked. Time is the variable that complicates things for me.....the "live your dream ....the money will come thing" starts to swirl as I watch a crease or two form around the edges of my smile.

Last year, I embraced 40 with very open arms. My mother only lived to be 39, I felt on that birthday and today still feel it an honor to begin facing years she never saw. My 41st birthday is in 16 days and gosh it got here fast !!!! Time just feels like its kicking my ass. I often feel like I am running in place when it comes to trying to accomplish my goals, but I am thinking that its possible I don't know what "it" ("accomplishing my goals") really looks like. (This is that unrecognizable Pinnacle Leslie Williams Boissiere wrote about in her blog "Modern Age Mom" at http://modernagemom.blogspot.com last week.)

I am also committed to certain outcomes even though I know better. As far as outcomes go, I think my job is simply to have the Faith and then keep the Faith.

It all however takes work ...lots of work no matter what the outcomes are. "Getting up the nerve", you know "confronting it" is the hugest part of it. It is critical to step out give it all you have (on that day) and keep it pushing.

I realized that I don't always "get up the nerve" or "muster the courage". Honestly I believe the nerve actually gets me up. What I am all to well acquainted with is the consequence of not "getting up the nerve". Better than suffer those darn consequences that can't be controlled; I would rather just do my level best to face it on my own terms even it means closing my eyes, holding my nose, holding my breath and jumping in the deep end (maybe 6 ft not quite 12 ft).

Tomorrow is a day where I have some dreaded phone calls to make and courageous conversations to have. Confrontation I believe must always be negotiated. So I press with faith, patience and love as my guides along with some hubris and chutzpah tossed in for good measure.

I just know that I am growing and my growth as a mother, filmmaker and educator and that one good nerve are what lead me out of these damn concentric cycles of life.

BTW

There were only 4 baby bird eggs...one hatched and despite some screeching and squawking, she went on to see Jesus on Saturday...

and btw again...

I don't want to mix topics that don't make anything when they come together like say mixing green and brown which make boo boo ....anyway .....I just wanted to add that Q Tip is my new fantasy boyfriend and I recommend HIGHLY getting my boyfriend's CD, The Renaissance ...its FLAWLESS