Between Friends

It is never my intention to let a month go by between posts, but here we are two days shy of a month since my last post (Feb 8th). If you read my December blog Passion v. Profession you know I like a few others have a struggle or two (wink wink sarcasm sarcasm). Profession is currently whoopping Passion's tail.

I work everyday like most folks and though teaching is a more than an honorable profession, I count the days til summer and in the process try not choke somebody's child or slit my own wrists :-). I love math, but what I do everyday is not my passion. Since my return from DC the work has been all consuming. I am at the corner of Tired Ave and Overwhelmed Blvd and one block away from Exasperrated Lane. This is life. Momma said there would be days like this...and there are.

My heart is however warmed when I can purchase necessities for my son (lunch pail, backpack and shoes), lotion and a much needed Ped Egg for my own feet. When a "comfort song" (Prince, D'Angelo, Erykah, The Spinners, Lena Horne or Miles Davis) plays on the radio in my car, I can bring into focus...the work. The eye chart at the end of the hallway reads C for "car note", I for "insurance", F for "food", G for "gas", L for "lotion", R for "Rent"...I believe you know the eye chart I am talking about.

So as I do the everyday work of building the life I live and would like to live, I vigorously pursue MY PASSION, wisdom, patience, humility, integrity, honesty and understanding. As a result I (like most women) am very busy. My son's life is the only life more important than my own. Everything I am is because of him. Everything I do is for him (and his future).

I have so many beloved friends with whom I've been blessed to amble along this very active, organic and passionate journey. I am everyday lifted not only by my relationship with Mother/Father God, but by the friends Mother God has blessed me with. Two different days this week Ali and I broke bread with 2 very close friends, Charlotte Dugan and Jennifer Johnson.

My friend Charlotte describes our friendship as a conversation that began from a random introduction in 1998 that has never ended. We have seen each other through joy, pain, loss and the life changes that come with our brand of motherhood...singlemotherhood. Jennifer and I met through a mutual friend and then renewed our friendship vow shortly after Ali was born and renewed it again after she married and gave birth herself. When together our conversation traverses a landscape of topics that only mothers with command of the "poor short term memory language" can even appreciate.

The day after an incredile Salmon and Coconut Rice dinner prepared at her hands, I had the need to complete a conversation we'd begun about exceling in an area. We were combing over what some educators call, the Essential Question. Our essential question is "what is it that I do?" or... "what is it that I am good at?"

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Last week I spoke with someone and we were having too deep and too engaging conversation about life and I expressed the concern that I believe that my Dad worked his whole life performing jobs that adequately and at times inadequately took care of our family. He is now 70+ and never (I don't believe) worked doing something he loved. I concluded our convversation with not only this revelation, but said "that is my fear I don't want that...but it feels like exactly where I am going. I simply don't feel good at what I desire with all my being to do (write and direct films) and it feels like I don't have the time to put in the hard work to become good at it and I am already over 39 :-). I spent time with another filmmaker (Director, editor and writer as well) and while he has freelanced way more in the field and built a strong level of expertise he too is further over 39 than I am and has not attained the tangible level of success that allows him with comfort and at the very least routine to earn more for his family. He however provides and provides consistently based on my every visit to their apartment for birthdays and communion. I am not the only one with some concerns.

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Yesterday evening while sitting in my after school component I wanted to close my conversation with Jenn over our ponderance of our Essential Question, "What is it that I do?" She expressed that she and a friend are starting a business and her concern was "Am I smart enough to do this?" The short answer is ..."of course you are !" the long answer came to me yesterday and I text(ed) her and I want to share with you what was revealed to me...

"I thoroughly enjoyed our time together yesterday and we had so many unfinished conversations, but the only thing I know at 41 (which is a little late, but better late than NEVER) is I just have to believe in me whether it feels crazy or not because whether I am excelling at "it" today or not if I am passionate about being "it" or doing "it" I have to believe with all my might that I am fine and greatness is within whether I can yet see it or not (the bible says Greater is He (or She, the creator) that is in me than "he" (or she) that is in the world)...I just have to believe and so do you...every moment (or incident) that makes us unsure is an opportunity to learn and grow...I know it sounds preachy, but as we head down these roads less travelled or well travelled with the brand new landscape that progress and change have created it gets rather lonely and all we have is ourselves..."

My other blogging friend said to me that maybe my blogs from Passion v. Profession and others that turn inward (maybe too far) were a cry for help...I believe Mother God heard my cry...so the journey continues...

PS: Y'all know Ali will be 7 in April so we know the picture is a little dated... :-)...we have indeed come this far by FAITH !!! (I hope you know the rest of the song...)